[IC: Forward dated to Saturday 19 May]

[julienned]

[YEAH I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU GUYS ARE IN HERE. it's a comatose teenager hooked up to a bunch of machines.

it's really boring.] 

Comments

[mind_over_metal]

*taking in these feelings with some sadness but mostly a controlled anger on Julian's behalf and just plain... acceptance of Julian's experience*

They're don't deserve what they're missing out on.

....go on. I trust in your ability to pull me out if I start screaming.

[julienned]

And they're evil. Not in an interesting way, either. Just really stupid petty bullshit.

[mind_over_metal]

Mm. Most evil in the world is incredibly commonplace.

[julienned]

What is it, true evil is really boring and banal?

I'm not exaggerating though. They are. It's not like I care about them anyway.

[except how he really does]

[mind_over_metal]

...it would be all right if you did. Quite normal, really. Especially for someone like you, with so much loyalty -- not to receive it in return is a huge betrayal.

[julienned]

Happens often enough whether I care or not, doesn't it?

[mind_over_metal]

But you're far too determined to stop caring. Most would have given up long ago.

[julienned]

It's not like anyone else has stepped up, is it? Doesn't matter where we go, we're not considered people. At best we're unwanted charity cases and at worse ...

[it's a memory of at least 100,000 Sentinels, the crushing hopelessness of knowing that the red tint to the sky is from a barrier keeping the entire mutant population penned inside with the Sentinels, more keep appearing no matter how many are destroyed, and the grim knowledge that he is one of the most powerful mutants there and that no matter his age, he must fight until he falls. Nori's with him and there's a sick fear that he'll have to watch her die like almost everyone he's known. The scene shifts ... and then cuts off abruptly.

If he looks at Julian, he's gone white, his jaw set and his hands trembling from the strain and pain.]

You don't need to see that.

[mind_over_metal]

*quietly*

Yes, I do.

[julienned]

One got past me and took off both hands.

You said I'd pull you out once you started screaming? You will. No point in showing that, then, is there?

[mind_over_metal]

Do it, Hellion.

[julienned]

[he gives him a Look but does so. Hope you like the sensation of having both hands disintegrated, and a bunch of burns!]

[mind_over_metal]

*bites down hard on the inside of his mouth, tasting his own blood while feeling someone else's, trying to keep from screaming -- and he does, though his legs go out from underneath him from the shock and pain and shock Ican'tfeelmylegsIcan'tfeelmylegs but he flings out his thoughts in an action part reflexive and part so very under control, mentally scanning for the thing that could enable a person to hold on, that something more*

[julienned]

[he snaps the memory off, very pale, as he catches him telekinetically ]

I told you, I told you, I told you...!

[mind_over_metal]

*his mind still active, still searching, with the same sort of adrenaline that has his lungs searching for air*

I don't believe that I'd started screaming yet.

[julienned]

I don't care! I'm not doing that! There's got to be another way!

[mind_over_metal]

There almost always is. Whether we're willing to find it and use it is another matter.

*takes a deep breath and starts getting his legs back in working order beneath him*

[julienned]

Then we need to think of it. I'm not doing that anymore!

[mind_over_metal]

*not challenging him, just patiently pressing*

Then what else do you have? Besides what we're surrounded with down here? If you won't let me go through that, then you have to help me.

[julienned]

I don't know! I'm not the telepath, that's you! I'm just — we're not doing that. Not ever.

[mind_over_metal]

*looks at him a moment, then closes his eyes.*

I apologize for this.

*and the protective barrier that he'd been asking Julian to lower -- he pushes right through it*

[julienned]

[oh dear. there is so much misery and pain here. this is the life of a person who has been kicked down more times than anyone can count, who drags himself to his feet only to be kicked down again. he's been abandoned by everyone repeatedly, he's been helpless, lost, tormented, tortured, and that's ignoring the physical pain too.

Frankly, this is the mindset of a severely depressed person whose pain and misery is so concentrated that it is almost suffocating. There's a few glints here and there of something better but ... yep. life sucks if you're Julian Keller.

Julian himself is trying to put up barriers between Charles and everything but ... well. he's shocked and it's Charles Xavier and ... maybe he could make things work.]

[mind_over_metal]

*it's hard to navigate through the dense darkness that has grown over everything, like creeping vines entangling and choking the life from whatever they encounter and obstructing any path for moving forward. but if Charles is good at anything, it's at finding the good. it's somewhat akin to trying to make one's way through tar filled with broken glass, but he sets his sights on the nearest speck of brightness and dives for it*

[julienned]

[it's such an innocuous memory. A younger Julian, his hair short and his clothing being both very expensive and very preppy is sitting at a desk doing his homework. He knocks a pen off his desk and reaches out a hand to catch it in that futile gesture people do when catching pens.

Except this time the pen stops in mid-air.

Julian's expression as he stares at the pen is incredulous, with a healthy streak of fear ("I'm a mutant?" and a knowledge of what happens to mutants and how no-one likes them) but with an overwhelming fierce joy - he has a mutant power and it is awesome.]

[mind_over_metal]

*draws this memory out and then concentrates to highlight those feelings at the end of it: the wonder, the delight, the pride. it's not creating any illusion of reliving the memory or falsely inducing the emotions. rather, it's amplifying them to the make them audiblevisibleknowable over the deadening crush of the depression that has built up with each new betrayal and torture and loss. its existence alone, without commentary, is trying to be a reminder that yes, you once felt this way, you have the ability to feel this way, how you are now is not all there is.*