[oh dear. there is so much misery and pain here. this is the life of a person who has been kicked down more times than anyone can count, who drags himself to his feet only to be kicked down again. he's been abandoned by everyone repeatedly, he's been helpless, lost, tormented, tortured, and that's ignoring the physical pain too.
Frankly, this is the mindset of a severely depressed person whose pain and misery is so concentrated that it is almost suffocating. There's a few glints here and there of something better but ... yep. life sucks if you're Julian Keller.
Julian himself is trying to put up barriers between Charles and everything but ... well. he's shocked and it's Charles Xavier and ... maybe he could make things work.]
*it's hard to navigate through the dense darkness that has grown over everything, like creeping vines entangling and choking the life from whatever they encounter and obstructing any path for moving forward. but if Charles is good at anything, it's at finding the good. it's somewhat akin to trying to make one's way through tar filled with broken glass, but he sets his sights on the nearest speck of brightness and dives for it*
[it's such an innocuous memory. A younger Julian, his hair short and his clothing being both very expensive and very preppy is sitting at a desk doing his homework. He knocks a pen off his desk and reaches out a hand to catch it in that futile gesture people do when catching pens.
Except this time the pen stops in mid-air.
Julian's expression as he stares at the pen is incredulous, with a healthy streak of fear ("I'm a mutant?" and a knowledge of what happens to mutants and how no-one likes them) but with an overwhelming fierce joy - he has a mutant power and it is awesome.]
*draws this memory out and then concentrates to highlight those feelings at the end of it: the wonder, the delight, the pride. it's not creating any illusion of reliving the memory or falsely inducing the emotions. rather, it's amplifying them to the make them audiblevisibleknowable over the deadening crush of the depression that has built up with each new betrayal and torture and loss. its existence alone, without commentary, is trying to be a reminder that yes, you once felt this way, you have the ability to feel this way, how you are now is not all there is.*
[its really a very ordinary school day, though Charles would recognise Cessily, Victor, Santo and Julian. He looks over and waves Sofia over with a grin.]
[there's nothing really that stands out as being SIGNIFICANTLY AWESOME - before everything turned to crap Santo, Cessily, Victor and Julian were good friends who did dumb things and Julian stood up for them when anyone teased them about their mutation. Julian himself was a lot more idealistic back then, though he still retains the same values with his younger self: equal treatment for mutants, freedom to live how they choose, a healthy streak that mutants are superior (look you can't have everything okay Charles Xavier), and a fierce determination to make a difference and make things better for the other mutants. And also that his telekinesis is fucking awesome.
Sofia he has Feelings for; she's one of the few people who gets Julian even if she is sometimes rather baffled about his behaviour. They challenge one another, daring the other to be better, faster, stronger, a better leader ... but when Sofia was struggling with leadership, he offered her guidance.
It's positive because it's so normal - a bunch of teenagers being dumb.]
*quickly takes stock of the level of how overwhelmed by himself Julian is right now -- and pushes against the construct of desolation that Julian had built for himself in his mindscape. he's not dismantling it himself, as parts of it are very much real and thoroughly entangled with everything that has been built up by Julian for protection and out of desperation and because there was only so much even he could take before damage was done, even though it's as much an obstruction as anything that might have been built by an aggressive hostile telepath. it's like lifting a heavy object so that another person is able to adjust something underneath. his mental voice is firm but gentle, as if it were an offered hand.*
*materializes again as a walking projection of himself, though on a mental level, he's still lifting that weight, the strain palpable as a slight trembling of effort*
You have it, Hellion. In your rightful joy and pride for who you are. In your friends, who love you not just when you're the only ones left and have no one else, but on a day that's how normal days should be, when there's nothing of importance, nothing that would bring you together except for yourselves. In the amazing things that you can do. That you can have in your life. You've had them and you've seen them just now, you know that they're there. But they're not here. You need to win them back, restore them to their proper place.
Perhaps not right now. Maybe you're not ready. And I promise that, until the day that I am forcibly torn from your side, I won't leave you here. And probably not even then. I'm rather notoriously difficult to be rid of.
But I believe that you can. Not everything right now. But the first step. I know that you can do it. Reach for it.
[he takes a breath, and then takes the weight off Charles.]
Give that here. You're not made for that kind of weight. You've got me all wrong though. I'm not afraid. I'm not the one doing this. This isn't me! This is what someone has done to me, she's still out there and I can guarantee you that you won't believe me. I don't even know if you're real or whether I'm imagining you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
julienned
(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-16 05:00 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-16 05:27 am (UTC)*takes a deep breath and starts getting his legs back in working order beneath him*
(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-16 05:40 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-17 11:42 am (UTC)Then what else do you have? Besides what we're surrounded with down here? If you won't let me go through that, then you have to help me.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-17 11:47 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-17 12:10 pm (UTC)I apologize for this.
*and the protective barrier that he'd been asking Julian to lower -- he pushes right through it*
(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-17 12:14 pm (UTC)Frankly, this is the mindset of a severely depressed person whose pain and misery is so concentrated that it is almost suffocating. There's a few glints here and there of something better but ... yep. life sucks if you're Julian Keller.
Julian himself is trying to put up barriers between Charles and everything but ... well. he's shocked and it's Charles Xavier and ... maybe he could make things work.]
(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-17 05:13 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-17 09:12 pm (UTC)Except this time the pen stops in mid-air.
Julian's expression as he stares at the pen is incredulous, with a healthy streak of fear ("I'm a mutant?" and a knowledge of what happens to mutants and how no-one likes them) but with an overwhelming fierce joy - he has a mutant power and it is awesome.]
(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-18 05:06 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-18 06:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-18 06:23 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-18 06:29 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-18 04:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-18 06:06 pm (UTC)Sofia he has Feelings for; she's one of the few people who gets Julian even if she is sometimes rather baffled about his behaviour. They challenge one another, daring the other to be better, faster, stronger, a better leader ... but when Sofia was struggling with leadership, he offered her guidance.
It's positive because it's so normal - a bunch of teenagers being dumb.]
(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-20 12:52 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-20 12:57 am (UTC)FLIGHT IS GREAT OKAY.]
(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-20 02:22 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-20 02:25 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-20 03:20 am (UTC)This is you. That's all that this is.
Come back to us. Please.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-20 03:29 am (UTC)[he looks away but it's pretty clear he's near to tears.]
Dammit...!
(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-20 03:50 am (UTC)You have it, Hellion. In your rightful joy and pride for who you are. In your friends, who love you not just when you're the only ones left and have no one else, but on a day that's how normal days should be, when there's nothing of importance, nothing that would bring you together except for yourselves. In the amazing things that you can do. That you can have in your life. You've had them and you've seen them just now, you know that they're there. But they're not here. You need to win them back, restore them to their proper place.
Perhaps not right now. Maybe you're not ready. And I promise that, until the day that I am forcibly torn from your side, I won't leave you here. And probably not even then. I'm rather notoriously difficult to be rid of.
But I believe that you can. Not everything right now. But the first step. I know that you can do it. Reach for it.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-20 03:54 am (UTC)Give that here. You're not made for that kind of weight. You've got me all wrong though. I'm not afraid. I'm not the one doing this. This isn't me! This is what someone has done to me, she's still out there and I can guarantee you that you won't believe me. I don't even know if you're real or whether I'm imagining you.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-20 04:43 am (UTC)*refuses to let him take it all back*
You don't have to carry it alone.
The ground that we're standing on right now. What is it? What's supporting you?
(no subject)
Date: 2012-05-20 04:44 am (UTC)I don't know. I don't know how my powers work. They just do.
(no subject)
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